This is what happens when you think you can replicate this without ever looking at a pattern or even taking a close look at the cloth itself. I was trying to make all the decreases less visible by not having them in the same place and just having a border all the way around without the eyelets. It's also what happens when you throw in right slanting decreases on the left side and left slanting decreases on the right.
I decided to add a loop to it and use it as a fancy spacloth. I like the shape that came out and I'll have a constant reminder that I am just not as smart as I think I am.